Radical Acceptance: The Skill That Changes Everything (Even When Nothing Changes)
Each and every one of us has, at some point, thought, “This shouldn’t be happening to me,” or “There’s no way this is real…” Whether it’s in our own lives or on a larger scale, these thoughts can feel valid—like the only way to respond to what we’re going through. However, it’s often this denial or resistance to reality that keeps us stuck and can actually lead to more suffering.
When you think of “accepting” something, what comes to mind? For me, I used to picture someone finally being at peace with what was happening to them. But learning about something called radical acceptance has shifted my perspective on my own suffering—and I hope it can for you, too.
Radical acceptance is a term coined by Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). While DBT was originally developed to support individuals experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), many of its skills—like radical acceptance—are now widely used in everyday mental health care. Linehan describes radical acceptance as “letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judgment.” But what does that actually look like in real life?
I often explain it to clients this way: radical acceptance is not saying “get over it,” and it’s not approving of or liking what’s happening. Instead, it’s acknowledging the parts of a situation that are out of your control—and gently letting go of the fight against them. This isn’t easy. But recognizing that you don’t have to carry what you can’t control can be incredibly freeing. Trying to hold the weight of everything is exhausting—and ultimately impossible.
Let me give some a real world example:
Imagine you’ve been working overtime and accidentally make a mistake. Your boss reprimands you in front of everyone, and you’re left feeling embarrassed and angry. Without radical acceptance, your thoughts might sound like:
“That was so unfair. He shouldn’t have called me out like that. I’ve been working so hard—this is ridiculous. I look so stupid. Everyone probably thinks I’m incompetent. This ruined my whole day.”
When we slow the moment down and view it through the lens of radical acceptance, the response may shift:
“I feel embarrassed and frustrated, and that makes sense given what just happened. I don’t like how it was handled. At the same time, I did make a mistake, and that moment has already passed. I can’t change it, but I can decide what I do next—whether that’s giving myself compassion, correcting the mistake, or addressing it later.”
If you had given me this example a few years ago, I probably would have scoffed. But staying stuck in that initial reaction would only leave me more stressed, anxious, and resentful. Choosing to respond with self-compassion—and focusing on what is within our control—helps us release the weight of what we may never be able to change.
Radical acceptance doesn’t take away the pain of a situation—but it does take away the added suffering that comes from fighting reality. When we stop arguing with what already is, we create space to move forward with more clarity, intention, and peace.
Here are some radical acceptance statements you can say to yourself that may help make a stressful situation feel more manageable:
“I don’t like this, but this is what’s happening right now.”
“This is hard, and I can get through it.”
“I can’t control everything, but I can control how I respond.”
“This situation is outside of my control, and I can choose how to move forward.”
“I feel ___, and that feeling is valid.”
“I don’t have to like this to accept that it’s happening.”
“This moment will pass, even if it feels overwhelming right now.”
“I can handle this one step at a time.”
“I’m allowed to feel upset, and I can still take care of myself.”
“Let me focus on what I can control.”
